Thursday, January 31, 2013

So Much For Clarity

Sorry, lost my way there for a bit. J'ai perdu le fil de ce pourquoi je suis venue, de ce que je cherche. Also, did you know that Amazon has a free Kindle app, and that there are a lot of free books on offer?

For some reason the fact that the cheese program is happening after all (the first class is tomorrow) made me start thinking harder about what comes after that, and after my year here, and whether I really am doing what I want to be doing, and if so how to continue to do it, and if not what I want to do instead. And where, and how, and means of financing and oh god I do not know what comes after this.

One thing I know for sure is that I am getting tired of traveling alone. Oh, I like living alone (or at least having a private room), but I am finding that I don't really have any urge to go out and see stuff by myself. Sometimes I think of all of the places there are even within a day bus/train trip of this apartment that I could go explore, instead of hanging out here, and feel like I'm passing up opportunities that may not come again. I think I need to get back in with those On Va Sortir groups and do something. I'm back spending all my time at the computer, which is not good.

In a fit of madness/loneliness I joined OKCupid. Not sure where that's going to go.

But the cheese class does start tomorrow, and maybe that will give me a jump start on shaking myself out of this random flailing state, where I'm feeling so bad about not feeling good that I lose sight of how ... content I am. Not precisely happy right now, exactly, but not unhappy. Just unsettled.

And really bummed again, this past week or so, about the fact that I cannot eat cheese. I'm still struggling with that.

Wish me luck!


  1. Some years back I decided to accept my numerous food allergies and intolerance as a gift. If I could eat and drink all I wished to eat and drink, it's quite possible that I would be a very overweight alcoholic. It's like with the dyslexia - everything is always new, and it's difficult to hold a grudge when you can't remember the crux of the argument. All about perspective and accepting what you can change and what you can't. Maybe this will help? mox

  2. Well, my cholesterol levels have certainly improved ... but it's really more about the loss of my goal/plan/definite future career based on cheese than the fact that I can't have it as part of my diet. Though that is definitely something I regret from time to time, especially here in France.

  3. Yeah, I wanted to be either an engineer or a musician (conductor, actually) from grade school. And I would have been, if it hadn't been for the damn numbers and notes! But geology and hobby musician ain't such bad trade-offs, and much less stressful. This must be frustrating for you at this point in your life - kisses and poor babies to you.